Does this "Moms" have a STOP button?

Diego and I had to really jump in with all 6 feet those first three days. In order to get the three "with trainer" days organized, I had to concentrate all my errands into one day. That  included  a follow-up medical appointment including x-ray and cast application on my hand, an hour and a half trip across town to drop off my car and another long ride back in my daughter's car. For helping me out, I took her to eat at Olive Garden...Diego in tow of course. The next day wasn't much slower. We tried a track mile at the gym, went to Target to get him some much needed supplies, then a trip in Wayne's truck to get my car, eating out at KFC and then another long ride home.  Mind you, as a retired person, this is A LOT for me.  I seem to do one big thing a day and call it good. This was packed, and on top of all that we still managed to get in the doorbell, phone and fire alarm practice twice a day. He was such a trooper at every establishment.

 There was one small down side that for reasons explained later, that I have not been able to address.  Diego gets car sick! Now, he has been in no less than 4 cars for 10 rides this first week. He got sick on the longer trips, all in my car! While I was driving across town to have some work done on my car, he threw up twice. That will be the last time I have only one slightly used Kleenex in my purse for clean-up. Thankfully for only $40 they would clean up and detail the backseat. I came prepared when I picked up the car, and spread a blanket over the backseat. It covered the whole thing except for about 4 inches...Yes, that was the spot he aimed for on his third hit. Poor, poor. little guy. I was actually grateful to have years of mommydom under my belt to kick in for these moments.

Things did start to calm down after those first two days, at first.  Except for the whirlwind of meeting the three young grandkids, Diego was able to keep up with my pace. I do think he must be wondering if this new "Moms" had a STOP button.   I didn't think too much of that scratchy throat feeling as the weekend came to a close. I usually shake off these spring colds pretty easily. Besides, I was in a "Stay, Focused, Go Positive" mode. I had declared that Diego was just what I needed to avoid my typical negativity. So on to plan the next week. But by Tuesday, I could barely walk from the couch to the kitchen without gasping for breath. This cold/flu thing was a little rougher than expected, and to make it worse, Wayne was pretty sick with it, too. Neither one of us was able to care much for the other.  But Diego still needed to be taken outside. This dog is trained to bond with only me. I had to be the one to take him outside at least 4 times a day. So on goes the hoodie, the jacket, the scarf, and the blanket in Colorado spring weather that included inches of snow one day, wind for most, and sub-freezing temps. They were the only 4 times each day that I even moved from the couch.

As Wayne got a little better, I was just getting worse. So another doctor trip and a second time watching me from behind the x-ray wall, Diego and I found out that I had pneumonia. That pretty much put my "Hakuna Matata" attitude on hold. This was my STOP button.  I was really too sick to care. Too sick to figure out what a one-handed cook could make in the kitchen. Too sick to try. But I still had to be the one to get him outside. He still would not go out alone. He had been with me less than 10 days total, and not getting a true reading of how all this was going to work into a real forever routine.

Today marks two weeks that Diego has blessed my life. I feel like I have cheated him in a way, because for 4 days he has not been able to work or play much, only because of my lead, poor thing.  He reads me like a book, and if I'm slow to move, so is he. He was such a ball of energy. The little snow on the ground gave him sheer joy as he chased and plowed and slid all over the backyard.  It had become his sentinel duty to rid the backyard of that rascally rabbit, that Squirrel Family, and even that cute Mourning Dove couple.  I do hope as I heal, and get stronger to pick up the pace again and I'll get him right on track. Maybe I can look at  it as a need to slow down a bit and spend some time getting a pace that works for us both. I do know that will be my focus.

How Do You Deal with Disappointment?

     I wonder how you have reacted to a situation when you struggled though a life-changing decision, and the moment you finally choose the path you will take, something or someone else decides for you that you can't.  It's that "control" thing. The only conflicts we really have in life happen when we don't know what we control. There are so many life-changing decisions where you are your own worst enemy, and you keep yourself from making the choice, but I am talking about those times when it's something else that makes the final say.
     Let's brainstorm some of these -

• Choosing a life partner and suddenly he breaks it off.
• Deciding to take that career risk and move to a new place only to find out your company is planning on downsizing within the year, and you're on the list.
• Deciding to move nearer to your married children and families and then your son is transferred across the country.
• Deciding to have a life-changing surgery for which you well qualify, but your insurance company refuses to pay.

     Ah, That's the one!!  You have seen my "waffle-itis" in the past posts in making the decision to have the surgery for cochlear implants.  I made the decision, pushed aside my fears, and waited for the approval.  Hearing from so many others that in this day and age, I believed that insurance companies are much more accepting to the surgical implant due to their high success rate, and that it is as much a prosthesis as an arm, a leg or an eye. The news yesterday was so disappointing. Mainly because I was trying to be so optimistic about the process. Another sucker punch that I so dread.

     There will always be missed opportunities, time and money not wisely spent, and other things that we regret. It's just part of life, and I find it pretty easy to accept responsibility for my poor decisions. But I crash when it's not my choice.
    Well, crash for a little while at least. Obstacles are always on our road of life. We still have a choice when an obstacle is lying in front of us.  We can choose to fall into a pity puddle, turn back, go over, around or through it.  Oh, the beautiful image of blasting or choking that stupid insurance reviewer... No, in all reality, I do know I have choices in my perspective and actions that can result in continuing my journey.  I will be fighting this and work toward a better quality of life for me. There's no time for self pity or wallowing in disappointment.
     I know I have a support of so many special people including a daughter bringing me a cheer-up bouquet,  a son who wants to see about getting a loan for me, a BIL with  a calm voice of reason to help me ask the right questions and pursue a course of action, special friends and family through emails and texts to state their support and ideas, and even  a great  joke that made me laugh out loud. God, I love them all!!
    I have also looked for wise words from others that help me move forward. I added a  couple of those quotes below that were especially helpful.


"Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments - but all of this is transitory it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back in pride and faith at the journey we have taken."
                                                              Paulo Coelho     By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept.

" It was one of those times you feel a sense of loss, even though you didn't have something in the first place. I guess that is what disappointment is - a sense of loss for something you never had."
                                                                Deb Caletti    The Nature of Jade



Perspective is so helpful.  When I put this stone of disappointment next to so many other obstacles that have been in my way, it seems to shrink, and I will easily be able to kick it aside.  I wish you the best in shrinking your own obstacles.
Blessings to you all,

A Walk on the Dark Side

A long ago forgotten memory. I was probably around 8 or 9 because I would have been able to walk home alone (in those days) without big brother who was already in junior high or tag-a-long little sister, not yet in school .


        A beautiful spring afternoon to walk the 10-12 blocks to our house from the elementary school.  Never a creature of habit even as a child, I would shuffle from sidewalk to street gutter to add variety to my steps.  I let my eyes scan the ground for various treasures abandoned for whatever reason.  Unusual bits of broken glass, abandoned  balls,  pencils,  or tattered school papers adorned the little swept street.  My favorite sighting would be rocks of various sizes and shapes.  Once I had found a strange red sandstone-like rock that looked like a rose..
      So, this particular day I knew I could take my time to search  for new objects and knew I might have some luck.  Just a block or two from home, I found IT. But what a strange smooth tiny rock it was!  I picked it up and marveled at its beautiful blue speckled color. It seemed unusually hard and heavy.  What possessed me to do what came next, I still do not know.  I tossed it up in the air. Caught it. Then squatting close to the ground, I smashed it into the gutter.  Did I really believe it was a rock?  Why couldn't I recognize or admit that it was a robin egg?  What ever evil thought I had, I really do not remember, but I do recall with vivid acuity, the horror.  Even though the yellow yolk and glistening white spilled from the shattered remains, and my adult mind now knows that this abandoned egg was probably never fertilized, my child mind sized me up as an evil killer of a baby bird.
      First thought of death...
      First thought of my power to end life...
      First thought of my internal wickedness.

     Eggs are the symbolic essence of the beginning of life, of purity, birth, renewal, of nature's miracles. Ironically my first thought or memory of the word "egg" created just the opposite.  But, could it be that nature is powerful enough to hold lessons from both poles of good and evil within ourselves, and we can be grateful for that power to teach us.
     We can so quickly point out the evils in others or in the world, but until we can recognize those seeds of evil within ourselves, we cannot heal the world around us.

Hearing Loss Poetry III

Okay, time to have a little fun with this, then I will put this subject to rest for a while.  I wrote this when I was still wearing ITE (in the ear) hearing aids.  My apologies to anyone offended, but you have to admit the power of words are only given their strength through the mind of the reader.


A SOUND AFFAIR

He whines and moans when her hand
Fondles his curves of flesh.
Beady eyes peer into her dark canal
While
She turns him on,
And he echoes
The delights of the world,
Picking up
All the garbage,
Not just the juicy tidbits.

Because his inner soul
Remains too complicated for her to
Care, his purpose is only
Functional, not
Forever.

His deafening silence becomes
Unbearable, and she
Rips open his chest to
grasp his dead heart,
Replacing it with a new Air-Zinc
Ever-Ready.

Hearing Loss Poetry II

ODE TO TINNITUS

     A distant chirp jars
my mind to the unforgettable companion
living in my head.
A multi-personality ogre whose chirp
evolves into an
electronic Highlander's
Whoop...
            Whoop...
                       Whoop....
then crashes
          dead silent.
A turn of my head and the left side of my brain
                           takes over
belting out a staccato succession
                                                     of beeps and buzzes,
One
lined up,
one
after
the
other.
The omnipotent high-pitched scream
                          forever loyal,
never leaves my thoughts,
as I pound out the day
wondering if the noises I'm missing
outside my head are as boisterous as those within.

Hearing Loss Poetry I

You may not relate to this specific "disability," but I wish to share the frustration, sense of loss, and attempts to adjust my attitude. We all fight some kind of malady. Maybe you can find a little hope struggling with your own.


VIBRATIONS
She strains to pick up
whispering songs
swirling
around her head.

The mystic voice within
whistles a Reality
Check tune. She
ignores the melody and

Trudges on, stoically,
hoping that someone
will create a new path for
her silence to disappear.

Shrouded ones
sleep snugly behind her ears
all the while, she
struggles and gropes through the
mumbling
jabber, like muffled
screams of a
pillow-smothered victim.

Useless whispers are
endured
like the hot summer gnats that
dance in and around your ears, buzzing
annoying nonsense
until you
absent-mindedly swat them away. Only,

She is brushing away the
marriage of Voice
and Ear which conceives the precious child,
Communication.

The rational voice within
convinces her -- Listening
is superior to hearing, and 
that requires no decibels or pitch. Yet,

The stinging vibration echoes -- The notes
must be placed on paper,
before the symphony can begin.

Acedia? Really?

     Just finished listening to Acedia and Me by Kathleen Norris.  Never heard of acedia, and it’s been around literally for ages. A malady of sorts afflicting solitaries like monks and hermits. It was considered a precursor to one of the 7 deadly sins - sloth. It’s a spiritual sloth.
     What attracted me to it? The blurb mentioned daily boredom, so I immediately downloaded it and listened to it all this week. While I hate to admit I am ever bored (I choose to do nothing), that choice is what drew me to this. Depression, ennui, nothingness all try to be wrapped up into one big ball. But she really had a number of similarities in her life that related to me. Phrases like "Why bother making the bed, it will only need to be unmade later tonight". The lack of even body hygiene was mentioned, shaving, brushing teeth, showering become chores to avoid.  Why Bother and Who Cares are common. The desire to avoid repetition was a real kicker to me because I couldn’t figure out why I avoided doing things, stacking materials, constructing quilt blocks differently…not following the same routine. I had recently been puzzled about this and then all of a sudden this author gives it a name - acedia. So how do I separate this from just depression? The latter is a chemical imbalance and acedia is a choice. But if I go back to Wayne Dywer’s Excuses Begone, the act of choice and attitude can change DNA and brain function. SO does that mean that someone's bipolar disorder could have been a choice? Could depression be a choice?
     I remember after my hysterectomy I was a basket case and in my mind I kept hearing “Suzy, snap out of this! You are better than this,” and I chose to ignore it. I wanted to be depressed. Even though I hated it, it was my choice.  Maybe I was trying to punish outside forces in my life - Wayne, our financial circumstances, work…instead of looking inside of myself and realizing it was all on me. The comment about Norris hating the woman she sat next to because her jaw kept popping as she ate. But aren’t autistic people wired to react to outside disturbances like that? Do they have a choice?
     Boy this is really big to me. I have been trying to figure out how I can continue to work, tutor, exercise, meet friends, and still feel incomplete, I sit and watch mindless TV, while avoiding quilting and reading and writing. - those things I claim to love doing. I seem to crave having a schedule but avoid repetition.
     So, what do you think? Has anyone else heard of this or relate to it?