Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Words that Stick


      A few  weeks ago I wrote about the idioms in our lives that were left to us. Those that inspired us, kept us going, or truths that help us go through this journey of life.  Many wrote to share their profound inspirations from fathers and mothers.  Today, I m facing those other statements or comments that have trapped us or kept us from growing.  Those that steal our creativity or our self-worth and chain us for a lifetime.  Whether it be a thoughtless remark about our weight, our nose, our profession, or how we decorate, the instant it is said, maybe falling off the back of the one standing beside you, but hits it mark on you; and it plants itself in the middle, germinates from that little negative seed and grows into a mighty oak of doubt and fear.  Most of these remarks were so off-handed or so flippantly made that the speakers probably don’t even remember saying them, but those words settled into the core of our being and shaped us into who we are.  It may have been so internalized that we don’t even know where it started but every incident closely related just intensifies the negative thought, and it grows.
     My issue is money…or  rather the lack of it. I don’t even remember the initial statement that might have caused me to feel that I can't spend my money because a sucker-punched incident will be around the corner, and I won’t be prepared.   I don’t hoard my money. If that were the case, you would see a large bank account or stuffed mattress somewhere.  I would be one of those recluses who when they died, left bajillions somewhere.  NO we live paycheck to paycheck, and I feel a constant struggle to keep on top of every debt, and literally shut the pocketbook before the month runs out.  Trying to plan trips is a nightmare because of the expense.  I don’t enjoy shopping (retail therapy? HA!)  and usually I look at the price tag before I even look at the style or color.  Now this may be considered a blessing to some; I know my husband doesn’t mind his wife’s desire to be frugal, but I am now facing the fact that my issue is not the lack of money, rather that it is me.  When something surprising happens, I want more than anything to erase that initial thought of “Oh God, how much will this cost us?”
      I have a classic picture of my sister and me at a market that shows the vast difference between our way of looking at the world. We are at an open market and Janie is showing me the wares of the booth, so excited to find something for me to pick out. I’m standing right next to her, and the clinched fists along with the look on my face says it all.  How did these two girls grow up under the same roof and be so vastly different?

     We weren’t considered wealthy but we certainly did not do without.  “Money doesn’t buy happiness”  we were told, but I sure would like to do a test drive.  My siblings have all been much more successful financially than I have been and they all seem pretty darn happy.  So what made me this way?  I remember my mother juggling the budget on my father’s feast or famine paychecks that was typical for  most salesmen.  I remember Mom saying,  ”Someone in this family has to be the Scotsman.”  “Don’t hang anything  on the walls in your room; we may have to sell the house soon.”  I remember choosing to stay in town and go to the local state college instead of going to the more private (and expensive) Christian College away from home because it would be cheaper.  I wasn’t told I couldn’t go, but I know it was a relief to hear me say it. Maybe the desire to please is attached to this money issue.  If that’s the case, I may have made a life time of pleasing others and never myself, and it just surfaces as a money issue.  If this is true, I am at least in the beginnings of recognizing it, so hopefully I can begin to work on it. I think I have heard that there is a book out there called Your Money or Your Life.  I think I had better go check it out. Then I can start working on those other past words cramming my head about my lack of decorating talent.

14 comments:

  1. Being almost 60 years old, I've had many financial ups and downs. I grew up thinking that people who had money were good and that people who didn't were bad or stupid. I've often felt inadequate as I saw my children gravitate to the side of the family who had more. To take a step back is something I practice at this time in life - to put a value on things money can't buy. Though we have enough but need to be prudent, I like my life. I believe it's vital that when we are stretched, it may be through no fault of our own. Life happens. As far as siblings go, mine are affluent. Their struggles seen and knowing signs of the struggles not seen make me never want what they have. This isn't the impression you give. You speak so highly of yours. It's often as if my siblings and I aren't related.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's hard not to be unsettled during these tough times. It likely won't change in our generation. (60+) Today, I saw an antique hutch from France - $895 - 1800's - know it's authentic. People are selling precious things for little to make ends meet. I thought of the Nazi's raiding the homes of the Jewish people during the war. Haunting. I walked away from the shop knowing that to buy it would mean the money coming out of savings/retirement and also without first consulting my husband. He just survived a lay off and is working twice as hard. I felt sheepish that I would even consider it. Many, many emotions. The most was an overwhelming sense that I am humbled by money issues and who I am - how money uses me or me it and why. I have a lot more to learn. You aren't strange at all. A "well to do" sibling lost everything and come to me for money. I did a little bit. They were angry that I wouldn't do more. "You have it," they said. I actually felt selfish. I wanted their approval. Boy, you opened a can of worms today!

      Delete
  2. Money can't buy happiness but it sure gives us more choices. I remember someone telling me once that I couldn't handle money. At the time, I was a single parent and working two jobs. I thought but didn't say, "Of course I can't handle money. There's nothing to handle." I was too proud to do anything but smile and walk away. To this day, I'm glad I didn't show my fanny and get angry. Pride can be a good thing, too. Of course, with little money in 1985, I was a very slim divorcee with big hair! Times are tough for many and I'm grateful to be able to live on less, cover expenses and feel very concerned but o.k. in retirement. Some are in dire straits.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. When I was young, I had no sense about money and was constantly in crisis mode, borrowing, etc. Years ago it was a high compliment when a friend said about my money habits: "You are as tight as a duck's butt." Nice. Just how I want to be known.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Some might say that gossip doesn't hurt, a small thing said can hurt someone, even if it's not said directly. One of my sisters-in-law told me that another decorates as if she's decorating a cheap hotel. As much as I admire this much criticized "unimaginative" woman for her many accomplishments, every time I go to her house, I am noticing the decor and catching myself. I'm not particularly impressionable so this was interesting. Your good blog today makes me more conscious of what I say to and about others. Incidentally, the woman who "can't decorate" spends her time as a public spokesperson for a disenfranchised part of the population.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Like you say, we don't always know where these automatic feelings come from. I do know that anxiety can be a transgenerational issue. In my genealogy work, I became curious about a pattern I was seeing that I couldn't put a finger on. I was becoming more and more distraught that I come from such a damaged family that there is no hope. What I always thought were severe mental health issues were sometimes anxiety issues, and in some cases, the very severe anxiety and environmental issues set off labeled mental illnesses that may have otherwise lay dormant. In some cases, medications were hastily given instead of getting down to causes and conditions. I'm not saying that mood disorders, ADD and all the rest aren't serious and need medications. It's not that simple. The other day, a family member called and cheerfully announced that her daughter is being treated for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. "Our troubles are over!" The magic pill/bullet! Maybe, maybe not.

    ReplyDelete
  7. If you're thinking of the book by Robin, Dominguez, etc., it's very good.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Marrying into a highly educated family - physicians, professors, scientists and the like, my lack of a college education has been a source of great discomfort. Some family have treated me as an equal and some have not, and in front of others, and noted my "simplicity". It helped me develop a sense of self and be proud of who I am - just different than they are. I no longer try to take part in dinner table sparring! I don't know how this applies but a great blog as usual.

    ReplyDelete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  10. What wonderful additions everyone has contributed! I haven't even opened this blog in more than 3 weeks. I don't know if it's a lack of ponder-dom, a new case of acedia, or the 18 inches of snow still on my porch, but I am not doing what I know I should. (As a matter of fact, I'm not doing much of anything). You are all such wonderful contributors to the things I have to say, and it gives me such comfort that I may be hitting the mark with so many of you. I think of each of you who has shared the up's and down's of your life. I want to know more and so hope that you are finding peace and harmony in your daily living. I'll be back soon, I promise.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hope you feel chipper - very soon. Your blog is unique and provides wonderful topics for discussion. I hate February. It's sometimes a very weird month. Worst month for me to be slow, emotionally and physically.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank you for your sweet thoughts. Yes, I didn't much like February and now it's behind us. Onward for more "upper" days.

    ReplyDelete

I welcome your comments and will always respond. If you sent a comment, and I did not reply, then I somehow did not receive your message. If you do not have a Google account, pull down the "Comment As: and click "Anonymous," but you are welcome to sign your name. You may also send any comments to suzrutrob@gmail.com. Thank you for visiting.
Blessings to you,
Suzanne