John Adams's quote was a proverbial slap in the face this morning. It's amazing how some random piece of information can find the most opportune time to appear. Of course these bits of wisdom are probably always floating across our faces, but it takes a specific act or emotion in tandem at the right time to make it jump out and shake us.
The details of my experience are really not as important as the lesson. I can keenly identify with this basic need. That's probably why I decided to create a blog, and I revel in the observations and praises that I receive. It reminds me that I matter, and I am doing something right. Countless times you hear of wives hoping that their spouses would just appreciate the work that they do, and the opposite is also just as true for many husbands, right? Workers are constantly complaining under their breath and at the water cooler how their work is not appreciated by their bosses. So if you can relate to this disposition like I can, then why don't we recognize that very need in our fellow beings, and most especially our own children?
I guess as parents of 20+ somethings we spend a heavy 18 years guiding, coaching, and yes, praising our young charges. But when they become adults, we (maybe I should shift to the singular)... I can't quite shake that facade. It's always with the best intentions that I want to help my son and daughter through their lives. Possibly to spare them the mistakes that I made at their age, or get them to see that they should react to a situation in a better way. Boy, no matter how many times I've preached it or heard it, I still can't follow the old guideline, everyone needs to learn from their own mistakes. Instead it comes out You need to.... Or I've been around a lot longer than you have...Or I've been doing this since you were in diapers, so listen up.
Is it no wonder that I see my adult child bristle at this kind of "help"? I would have! Maybe I can use the excuse that my parents were both gone before I was 30 years old, so I didn't have that kind of experience to model... or resist. But I have to say that is a pretty lame excuse when I was definitely taught and try to abide by the Golden Rule. I just seem to be selective in that Rule's use when it comes to my adult children. This intensifies especially when another parent and maybe a fellow sibling joins in and tries to deliver the blow of correction all with the best of intentions. Unless it's an out right and organized intervention, the "gang up" approach doesn't work very well.
I am blessed with a family that even when things get a little heated, we allow each other to have a bit of cool down time and amends are made. I may not like how others react to my "suggestions" but then again, I can't always live by "Be reasonable and do it my way." I do hope though, that I will try to be a model to my kids that when the time comes, they will want to emulate rather than resist my behaviors.
ROOTS AND WINGS: Marriage, Motherhood, Moments, and Memories
Monday, March 12, 2012
A desire to be observed, considered, esteemed, praised, beloved, and admired by his fellows is one of the earliest as well as the keenest dispositions discovered in the heart of man.
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Blessings to you,
Suzanne
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Nothing in this world matters more than the well-being of our children. My greatest, beyond words, joys have been my children. The heartaches and sometimes despair of a child needing to guidance is also beyond words. I don't know how serious the situation is but I remember a someone telling me: "They may not always remember what you say but they will always remember that you loved them."
ReplyDeleteThank you for that! Sometimes that all we need to hear to stay positive in dealing with all relationships.
DeleteYou must be living at my house this week!
ReplyDeleteAmazing the common thread that runs through this topic. In the past few days I have been reminded more than I can count the connections to this concern. Maybe it's ongoing.
ReplyDeleteMy father said too many times he wished he hadn't had children. At those times, it made me sick. He was a kind and generous man and he loved us. It wasn't until I became a parent that I realized what he was saying, in his own clumsy way, was that it can hurt like nothing else to hurt for a child. To fear for their ability to survive on their own even when we might be able to help them avoid the pitfalls is hard. I can only think though that these are things that brought me closer to God - each time I stumbled on my own.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it takes a lifetime of experiences to understand words from our fathers. I'm glad to know that you were able to understand what he meant rather than harbor the hurt of misunderstanding.
DeleteSo much easier when they are small and we can protect them. I struggle with the people my children married, not so much the people but their families. Different cultures, language barriers and values test me. I pray for guidance and patience but at times, I am quite frightend and then need to remember, "Faith and fear can't live in the same house." I am not ordinarily a fearful person but where my kids are concerned, I fret!
ReplyDeleteMe,too! And it's so futile, but fret and worry are a mainstay around here. I love your "faith and fear" comment. I'll try to adopt that and let go of the fret.
DeleteWith four children and all of such different personalities, it seems that there is always something going on - sometimes, very painful. I agree that it's easier when they are younger. I often say I wish I could freeze life when they were all about 3-12 years old - a very nice time in our lives. I appreciate them as adults but the challenges are different and sometimes painful for them - and me. So, I pray a lot and try not to make mine too petitionary! Not easy. When my kids hurt, I don't function well. In fact, for the longest time I was "underground" trying to sort some things through. Spring seems to have brought some new energy.
ReplyDeleteI do believe the old saying that a mother can only be as happy as her most unhappy child. Kind of falls into the same thing that the favorite child is the sickest one. Having children is a sweatball of all emotions to be sure, no matter what the age, and I really do understand your comment about going "underground" I've been there , too.
ReplyDelete