After spending a week away from home on a trip only my
husband wanted, eating out 3 big meals every day, and suffering from my usual traveling
bloated-ness, I am quite literally “full of myself,” and I do not like it! Notwithstanding, another birthday marker snuck
in here, and I spent my day seething over the fact that my ancient cat has decided
that my laundry room is now her extended cat box. It was a day of Poor ME and
so I poured another glass of wine (along with my whine), toasted myself and got
busy mopping up the mess.
While I was gone, I thought more about writing than really
doing it, and I felt very guilty that I was not making time for my writing
routine. As a consequence, the ideas dried up, and I started looking for things
to substitute (devotion books, inspirational ditties) that I could borrow with
due credit, of course, until I got my writing mojo back. What would others would think of me if I'm not clever and witty once again?
And like everyone else, the holidays are drowning me. I am
stressing about what to get everyone, when to get into that nasty crawl space
to drag out the decoration boxes, and how to get it all done. I’m to the point of just shucking it all,
declaring it a go-gift zone Christmas so I don’t have to think about it. Bah
Humbug!!
This selfish rant has a purpose actually. What these past
few days have taught me is that
I have been the center of my thinking. Look what I have done for everyone. Look what I am planning to make our
holiday better. Look what I am doing to sacrifice my time to make everyone
happy. No one else is making the
effort to clean, cook, decorate, so I HAVE to. Look at how unselfish I am! Looking
back on this first week in December, I thought that I was starting a most
unhappy month, but there have been really wonderful moments already. Sharing a
phone call with my little brother talking more than an hour about great
grandparents and our thirst for the past; a small ladies brunch I enjoyed
getting back to finding out how they were doing after my long tense absence from
the group; a belated BD celebration with close friends; a delightful couch-talk
with my daughter catching up after being away; a call to my sister laughing
about my escape from the house to avoid the cat; a funny text exchange with my
son. And also, just letting go of my fear of not having anything else to write
and just get back to being in touch with all of you. All of these could have been just as whiney
and self-absorbing as my thinking before, but one difference, I was not
thinking of myself as much as I was enjoying the company of who was with me.
No doubt I may slip into that gown of ME a few times more this season, but I hope I quickly remember that I didn't like how it fit. It's good to be back into the soft comfort of YOU. And by the way, how are YOU doing?
Apparently you are back to writing - with this entry! Thank you for this wonderful piece to help me look at myself. You always seem to key into things I can't put into writing. So, write on. As always, your blog is a gift. You are so generous with your sharing about your own life. Happy Christmas.
ReplyDeleteI hate it when people say this, but "You are hard on yourself, sometimes." Don't mean to analyze. I was once at a posh place in the California wine country. On the terrace of a restaurant was a woman, who looked like Maureen Dean. Remember her? Watergate John Dean's Stepford Wife? Perfect nose and hair in a perfect bun? This woman was reading, "The Art of Being Selfish." Right in public, making a statement. You obviously give over and above to others. I get the same way. Like you, I am sure it's simply because I truly do love people around me and want for them to feel happy and safe. I get burned out and then try to heal. A brunch with the girls? Sometimes, my circle of friends really irritate me...petty...even boring. Actually, most have become acquaintances more than friends. Here's to just being us. Merry, merry Christmas to you and your blog.
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas and blessings for the year - from another woman striving for balance between me and mine! Ho, ho, ho.
ReplyDeleteYou're back! You still know how to infuse a piece of grueling feelings with the sweet things and your humor. Husband trips. On the road is tough stuff. Ten days until Christmas and I'm still decorating, wrapping gifts out from hiding. My son wants our yard to look like Las Vegas. I've done what I can until my husband is home from a business trip, trying make it tasteful but it has ended up looking like the Jetsons live here. You say it all and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Like you, no matter what, I am always glad to simply be me. My human worries and holiday sadness of those not here is all year long. I like this, too. It's just me. I hope I never forget. No should deprive me of this. It's o.k. Suzanne, Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas.
ReplyDeleteI thought I wasn't into "me" but now, me is tired. Getting ready for everyone to have a good time is exhausting. I look forward to it every year!
ReplyDeleteHow am I doing? Surprisingly well - have navigated the pitfalls of the season and am actually enjoying it at this point. This from someone who often plays the bah humbug role!
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas!
I want to thank you all for your wonderful comments. We evidently "survived" the holidays (odd to use that word for a special time, isn't it?)
ReplyDeleteI wish you the very best in the coming year. I hope we will continue to discover how valuable this connection is to each other.