12:08 a.m. July 28, 1997
A phone call woke me up. Wrong number. Odie wants outside. So, I'm awake, can't go back to sleep. Spiritual Literacy is keeping me company while I wait for the dogs. One entry speaks of Morton Kelsey's experience of being awakened at the same time every night and a friend told him God wanted to talk to him. Then I heard (or wanted to hear) Suzy, I'm proud of you.
Oh, God, really? I'm feeling so ashamed and stupid right now.
So very weak.
But you have shown what My love is supposed to be - unconditional and forgiving.
I'm still not sure if it's really love, Lord. Rather a vow and a concern for the kids.
But that is love. You have exhibited love by staying with Wayne.
It's not over yet. There's a lot of unknown territory out there. I'm not sure what
kind of damage his business actions have actually caused.
Just recall the feeling of getting into bed a few moments ago.
Wasn't that more comforting to lay beside him than the balled up fear
in your stomach all day?
Yes, it was. I told him so, too. And I fell asleep comforted.
I just knew you needed to hear from someone
that you are doing the right thing, Suzy.
Then, what are these tears for, Lord? Relief? --I'm not relieved.
Grief? - I'm still there, grieving for our loss of security.
Is this just a way to resolve my lack of action?
Oh, but you still have a lot to do. And action is one beginning.
You have to push this through. Yes - even nag. You've been
passive, yes, but I will be there to help you through this.
I wish Wayne could hear you, too.
Me, too. But that's something he has to do himself.
I'll be here when he does.
I've been hoping for more than 20 years, Lord. He's going to be that same
stubborn rock-island trying to do and fix it all by himself.
I've been waiting longer, dear.
I've been a little lost from you, too.
I did start the gratitude journal and the Spiritual Literacy before all this hit the fan.
I guess you could think they were my doing, to get you prepared for all this.
Or maybe, you knew you needed it all by yourself.
We humans do possess a lot of inner power. I'll always believe that.
I just haven't used it to help him. I've been more
of an enabler, than a helpmate, haven't I?
You could see it that way, but you seemed to be doing
what you thought was best. This setback is tough, but
you both needed it to get back on track. It's up to you
to get up and start walking on it.
Just stay close by, okay?
It's a promise.
2:45 a.m. Aug 1, 1997
Lord, I woke up. Did you want to talk to me?
Not really. But it looks like you need me to. How's it going?
Night sweats are back, and now I can't seem to get back to sleep.
Thinking about Chris's care package, afraid I sent it to the wrong address.
thought about calling him, but decided against it.
It wouldn't help to know now anyway.
Told Wayne yesterday about getting my own lawyer.
You are entering an unknown area for yourself.
I still feel that the action will just stir up more negative feelings from the kids.
It will. Children never want the status quo to be upset.
It's fear and they will display it through anger.
Accept it and try to stay calm. But don't let up.
Will I lose more than what I gain?
Just keep you eyes open as well as your heart. You're strong.
It doesn't seem that way. I feel I got into this mess because
of my weakness and desire for my husband to take care of me.
I deferred to him to make all the decisions - to make him feel stronger..
Very few women would have hung in there.
I keep wanting to defend him. Protect him.
But that has been to a fault. It was a mistake to enable his ego.
You're really not here, are you?
You just need to help yourself now.