Sunday, September 18, 2011

God? Did you just call?

Several years ago, I, like probably many wives, hit a time of wondering if our marriage was going to survive. We had hit a financial catastrophe with a failing business and hope was at its lowest -- at the time.  I had grown up believing God was with me but no real connection until one night my pen seemed to speak for Him. Four nights later He tried again. I've never experienced this before or again, and since then, I've come to re-create my faith. However, this one experience did ring true then and now.

12:08 a.m. July 28, 1997
A phone call woke me up. Wrong number. Odie wants outside. So, I'm awake, can't go back to sleep. Spiritual Literacy is keeping me company while I wait for the dogs. One entry speaks of Morton Kelsey's experience of being awakened at the same time every night and a friend told him God wanted to talk to him. Then I heard (or wanted to hear) Suzy, I'm proud of you.
                                                                                                      Oh, God, really? I'm feeling so ashamed and stupid right now. 
So very weak.
But you have shown what My love is supposed to be - unconditional and forgiving.
I'm still not sure if it's really love, Lord. Rather a vow and a concern for the kids.
But that is love. You have exhibited love by staying with Wayne.
It's not over yet. There's a lot of unknown territory out there. I'm not sure what 
kind of damage his business actions have actually caused.
Just recall the feeling of getting into bed a few moments ago. 
Wasn't that more comforting to lay beside him than the balled up fear 
in your stomach all day?
Yes, it was. I told him so, too. And I fell asleep comforted.
I just knew you needed to hear from someone
 that you are doing the right thing, Suzy.
Then, what are these tears for, Lord? Relief? --I'm not relieved.
Grief? - I'm still there, grieving for our loss of security. 
Is this just a way to resolve my lack of action?
Oh, but you still have a lot to do. And action is one beginning.
You have to push this through. Yes - even nag. You've been
 passive, yes, but I will be there to help you through this.
I wish Wayne could hear you, too.
Me, too. But that's something he has to do himself.
 I'll be here when he does.
I've been hoping for more than 20 years, Lord. He's going to be that same
 stubborn rock-island trying to do and fix it all by himself.
I've been waiting longer, dear.
I've been a little lost from you, too.
I know.
I did start the gratitude journal and the Spiritual Literacy before all this hit the fan.
I guess you could think they were my doing, to get you prepared for all this. 
Or maybe, you knew you needed it all by yourself.
We humans do possess a lot of inner power. I'll always believe that.
  I just haven't used it to help him.  I've been more
 of an enabler, than a helpmate, haven't I?
You could see it that way, but you seemed to be doing
what you thought was best.  This setback is tough, but
you both needed it to get back on track. It's up to you
to get up and start walking on it.
Just stay close by, okay?
It's a promise.

2:45 a.m. Aug 1, 1997
Lord, I woke up. Did you want to talk to me?
Not really. But it looks like you need me to. How's it going?
Night sweats are back, and now I can't seem to get back to sleep. 
Thinking about Chris's care package, afraid I sent it to the wrong address.
thought about calling him, but decided against it.
It wouldn't help to know now anyway.
Told Wayne yesterday about getting my own lawyer.
You are entering an unknown area for yourself.
I still feel that the action will just stir up more negative feelings from the kids.
It will. Children never want the status quo to be upset.
 It's fear and they will display it through anger. 
Accept it and try to stay calm. But don't let up.
Will I lose more than what I gain?
Just keep you eyes open as well as your heart. You're strong.
It doesn't seem that way. I feel I got into this mess because
 of my weakness and desire for my husband to take care of me. 
I deferred to him to make all the decisions - to make him feel stronger..
Very few women would have hung in there.
I keep wanting to defend him. Protect him. 
But that has been to a fault. It was a mistake to enable his ego.
You're really not here, are you?
Wrong number?
You just need to help yourself now.


  1. If prayer is talking to God and meditation is listening, you are far ahead most of us. Another I like is along the lines of: "The miracle is not that God will hear us but that we will finally hear Him." I love your conversations with God - especially all the affirmations you could feel of His trust in your motives. Sometimes, when I am praying for God's will in my life, I listen for the second voice, rather than the impulse first answer of my own agenda. Husbands are tough stuff. I come a very matriarchal family where women were go getters, highly capable and adept at balancing a man's ego issues - all these from loving motives. Most of the balancing issues were around finances and family businesses. We woman are strong. After all, God didn't ask a man to be the parent of Jesus. He went to Mary first - and then Joseph. In the end, your loving God trusted you again, to help yourself. I like Him!

  2. Whether we can think God talks to us or not, I can at least stop long enough to know for sure. I wouldn't want to miss the miracle. Too often, I use God as a pinch hitter. You've given me a lot to think about. Husbands and children. God does entrust us with them. Thanks a bunch. So much in Proverbs about being a woman. I heard once that if we understood God, he wouldn't be God. Bless us all. What a wonderful place your blog is blossoming into.

  3. I think you were hearing right. How often does God knock and wants us to hear. There is nothing wrong with your hearing! Maybe it makes your heart bigger and more receptive to messages others may not hear... You can be an example.

  4. Of course, God helps those who help themselves but it doesn't hurt to be on the beam with Him and be open to His voice. The middle of the night can be a very disorienting time or it can be like your times with God. It makes me want to set my alarm for 4:00 a.m. - wait for His voice and then watch and feel the sun come up. I used to ask for God to be in my heart. Now I ask to be in His. Did He use your land line or your cell phone? I must make sure I'm by the right phone. Just in case! Lovely post today.

  5. When the heart speaks, the heart listens. We no longer live in a hostile universe. It took me a lifetime not to whine and demand things from God. That's not to say I don't cry on His shoulder plenty of times. Actually, quite a bit. I let Him know I am angry or confused. He can take it. I try to remember to say "thank you" as often as I think of it. What has also though taken a lifetime is to listen and know that it's not wishful thinking. It's Him. Of course He spoke to you! Your conversation with Him is poignant and full of love and caring for others. I felt like I was eavesdropping.


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Blessings to you,